Dear Mr Shakespeare,

Thank you for your most recent submission. At least it is of a workable length this time and does not involve endorsement of paedophilia, anti-semitism or wife abuse. We do think that one you did with all the mutilations (Titus something?) might work as a horror film script if you could put it into found-footage format.

We regret there is little market for fiction where the English are the good guys, not even in England!  Perhaps if you could turn Macbeth into a patriotic Scottish hero or a reverse the nationalities, we might be able to assist you in this matter.

His wife lacks character development; we need to know what her motivations are, that she is not simply a one-dimensional ogre. For a modern audience, there should also be a scene where she puts on armour and fights herself, perhaps alongside her husband. We cannot afford to be seen as too sexist. Speaking of which, your portrayal of religion and damnation comes across as fundamentalist and simplistic.

If this could have been published in the Jubilee year we might get away with endorsing the divine right of a monarch, not otherwise.

We also have problems of execution. There are far too many characters requiring different actors to make this a viable theatre production. Some of the early exposition is extremely “on the nose.” It takes too long for the witches to appear and the murder to happen. (On the subject of the witches, we do applaud the originality of making them old and ugly, a nice reversal of tradition, but young sexy witches always sell better). The porter scene comedy seems to belong in a different play entirely.

I regret I have just been informed by my assistant  that she read a manuscript with the identical story last year, by someone else. Plaigarism will not stand no matter what flair you may think you have for dialogue (PS just making up new words when you need them is not acceptable!)

Best of luck elsewhere.

B. M. Agent

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About jamestucker1972

Aspiring writer!
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2 Responses to Dear Mr Shakespeare,

  1. moiraconway says:

    Go on! that’s how we get new words! English is a living language. How else did the Welsh get those ridiculous long words. Don’t take this crapalogical fobofulation!

  2. Cheers Moira! Glad you found the blog–did the email get through or should I forward it again?

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